Maphmatically Your, as part of its ongoing driving education program is proud to present, this, the second lesson in defensive motoring in Chicago. Again, in an effort to keep this primer as relevant as possible, only those manuevers and events that are so commonplace–happening day after day, nearly everywhere–have been included. While there are bad drivers in every city, only in Chicago are they also likely to be carrying fire arms and babies on board. Therefore, study the diagrams and read all text carefully before attempting to join Chicago’s unique automotive culture already in progress.
The northbound motorist first to enter the intersection recognizes the likely result of his need to turn left–the eventual ejection of fellow northbound motorists through their wind shields due to failed attempts at the “Impatience Juke.” Thus, he politely moves to the extreme boundaries of his lane in an attempt to minimize the degree of Juke necessary. However, as fatigue and his anxiety at being unable to safely turn sets in, his right leg decreases its pressure on the brake pedal and his vehicle begins encroaching on the incoming southbound lane. Not wishing to shuffle off this mortal coil at the corner of 51st and AHH!, the southbound driver finds it necessary to make an emergency lane change maneuver into the right lane. In the event that there is not another lane available the southbound driver will perform his own “Defensive Juke”–a variant of the more aggressive “Impatience Juke”–in order to avoid being ejected through his own windshield.
In the unlikely even that Chicago’s streets are not pristinely cleared of standing rain, snow, or ice–and that southbound driver is unable to return as quickly as they would wish to their regularly scheduled lane–thereby causing them to smack into parked cars, he or she will be ejected through the windshield, but feel entirely justified in blaming the driver of the turning vehicle.
Maphmatically Yours thanks you for your attention and reminds you that:
Chicago’s streets are safe–it’s only the people that make them dangerous.